Nobody

Into the Shadows.

2004-02-14T08:08:54Z

Where do you go when you're gone?
Does the wind whisper your name just to taunt me
or does it do that to remind me that you're never
too far away.

Where do you go when you're not by my side?
Does the warmth of the sun steal radiance from your being
or does my mind play tricks on me
on this cold winter night?

Lull me to sleep with your soft soothing voice
let memories of you turn into the dreams
that comfort me each night

Into the Shadows I go
cloaked in darkness
until the light that is you
comes back to visit me
once again

Into the Shadows I go
cold...
dark...
watching...
watching...

watching you steal the brilliance of the sun.
~anna

[This is just something I wrote because my mind wouldn't let me rest if I didn't find a way to vent this out.]

Things that make you go hmmm....

2004-02-06T08:44:55Z

Hi Lj, it's 11:55pm here and I just got back from Jared's apartment. I feel like I just had one of those intervention thingies done on me. It's good though. Jared's a really nice guy and I adore him and just like the rest of my friends at work, I love him.

Here's my take on things...

Today was awful for me. It took ev-er-y ounce of strength to keep alert. I've taken an imitrex pill earlier during class to get rid of my migraine. Around 2pm-ish, at work, I still had said migraine and it's like it intensified as the day progressed. But I tried to toughen up and concentrate on improving my efficiency and schedule adherence scores. But other than that, today was just like any ordinary day at work. Except to others, it was not. And I have Jared to thank for bringing things to my attention. I always like that about him, I can always tell him anything and he can always call me on things or just bluntly tell me how things are. And I know we've discussed things before and that means a lot to me. Instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming things, we talk it out and talk it over. I like that.

Today at work, I had an extra hamburger from A&W. On my way home from school, I stopped by KFC to grab me something to eat and I got myself one of those deals where you get two burgers for $2.00. I thought of Jared and thought, he'd want one. So today at work, I gave him my other burger, thinking nothing of it, thinking nothing about anything else but work and school work and things that I have to do when return home.

Before I left, I asked Jared if I could drop by his place to grab the movies I let them borrow. I haven't seen them yet and I was planning on watching 'em on my day off. I asked him if someone was going to be home by the time I got there and if I remember correctly he said that Josh would be there.

So I left work a half hour early. I didn't take a lunch today and my supervisor gave me the okay to leave early. No biggie. Didn't think anything wrong with today other than me feeling extremely tired and the migraine from hell seem to just taunt me and wouldn't leave me be.

I got home and the first thing I tackled was cleaning up the living room. Then my daughter said that she needed index cards for her report and pencils as well. So we made plans to go to the store to buy those but well...she was picking on her loose tooth and lo and behold, she plucked it out. Blood and all that icky stuff needed tending to. So looked like the tooth fairy owes her moolah, no? We took care of that then we went to Smiths. While sitting in the car in the driveway, I called Josh and said something like, "Hey Josh, this is Anna, I talked to Jared earlier and asked him if I can drop by to pick up my movies and what not. Hopefully you guys are there when I get there or awake or something."......something like that. Again, not thinking that anything was out of the norm, I drove to Smiths to buy the supplies my kid needed for her report. As we were about to leave, my kid spotted Jared and Josh who just walked passed us. And so I said loud enough for them to hear, sort of teasing them, "Yeah, that's Jared alright honey." He turns around and I'm standing there in the frozen food section with my kid grinning at them.

I mentioned that I was on my way to his apartment to pick up the movies but first I needed to tend to my kid first. So I walked with him for a bit, me and my kid walked with Jared up and down the aisles while Josh was some where else doing something else. I told Jared that I guess I'll wait or meet him at his apartment. So we paid for our things and then we waited in the parking lot for them. (didn't really wait long though)

So okay, me and my little girl went to Jared's apartment. We followed them out of the parking lot. Jake let us in. And we gathered our belongings...the movies and my daughter's playstation games. Jared and Josh showed up a few minutes later and teased me about taking their parking spot. Ooopsies! They teased me but then they said it was okay. I left and once again no biggie. Didn't think anything was wrong. But see, before I left, Jared said, "I guess I'll see you at work or something." Not really thinking about my reply to him, I said, "well I doubt that, I'll pretty much be sitting by myself from now on, but yeah okay." I left and that was that.

So I thought....

Half-way home, I was on the phone with Ron and the call-waiting thingie beeped. It was Josh saying something about I took one of his games. I guess I accidentally took a couple of his games. So, I told him that I'd be right over. And that I'm turning around that instant. Only my daughter was tired and I know she's been sick (in fact she still is under-the-weather) so I opted to drop her off made sure she was in bed and then drove back to Jared's apartment. And that's when things got really odd....

I knocked, not thinking much about anything, thinking that things were okay but then after handing the games back to Josh, who answered the door, Jared got off the phone and started to confront me about something I had said earlier.

It turns out without thinking much about it, I had come off as rude to Jared. I guess it hurt him or something so he confronted me about it. Then he brought up Chrissy and Mike as well. And I'm standing there thinking I've just been ambushed or something because all of the sudden these things were being brought to my attention and things, nasty things were being said. I stood there almost dumbfounded and shocked. I think all I could mutter to say initially was, "you know what, this is the sort of thing I've been trying to stay away from all week." I thought, oh no, them too? What's going on here?

So this is what it came down to...

Apparently my last comment to Jared before I left his place came off as rude. But I talked to Jared and I said, "have I ever been purposely rude to you or mistreated you in any way? have I ever been known to say or do not nice things to anyone in our circle of friends?" The answer was "No." And they (Josh and Jared) said that they thought so and that they just feel like some thing's not right.

Well hmm.... let's see if we can try to see things from my perspective....

--I haven't been sleeping well or sleeping at all this whole week.
--I've started school just yesterday.
--I get up early to drop Ron off at the base, go back home, try to sleep, get up, take my kid to school, try to go back to sleep, fail miserably, then go to school, after school, go to work.
--I had to take care of my bench warrant
--I had to fix my car because the power steering belt broke off
--beginning of the month, meaning if I don't work on my efficiency, my quality, my attendance and my adherence, I'm fired. No ifs, ands or buts. No exceptions.
--not to mention that I also have my chores here at home that need tending to
--schoolwork that needs tending to as well
--and most importantly, I have a little girl who needs time with her mommie

...and the list just goes on and on.

So what I explained to Jared is that I don't have time to scout out the place for the perfect spot with mute buttons and with 3 extra empty spots so that we can all sit together.

I also told Jared that the minute I show up at work I find the closest spot with a mute button, clock in and get on the phones. Now, I'm not picky as to where I sit. As long as the phone's working, there's a mute button, I'm good to go. Chrissy and Mike however don't like sitting in certain sections and Mike reiterated that several times to me before.

And me moving to sit next to them? I can't. Working on efficiency, I only have time to go potty on my 10 minute break, eat as fast as I can and then clock back in before 10 minutes are up. I don't have time to close out all the programs, then log on to another computer during my break just so I can sit with them.

And lunch time? It's been so busy in the break room these past few days that I just retreat to my car where it's nice and quiet, warm and less distractions where I can just sit there and study and perhaps listen to music if I want to.

I explained all this to Jared. He said that Chrissy had mentioned and even "quoted" me about saying that I don't care about my friends and they can all go to hell and what not.

When did I say this to Chrissy?? The last thing I remember saying to her was when I had to leave early that one day and said, "could you please, when you get the chance and when Mike gets off the phone, please tell him to call me about the couch coz I tried to make it fit in my car and it didn't work."

So I asked Jared again, "When have you ever known me to mistreat ANY one of you? I've always been nice to you guys because frankly if it weren't for you guys, I'd quit this job. This job would mean nothing to me and I'd move on." He thought about it and realized that I was right and that I did have a point.

I told him that if I was upset at ANY one of them, then why on earth would I even ask Mike about the couch, or offer Chrissy some of my Orange Chicken because I know she likes that stuff. Why would I even tell them about the nazi-guard who deactivated my card the other day? Why would I even give Jared my extra burger?

So I haven't been sitting next to them. That's not the end of the world. I've other things to tend to and as harsh as it may sound, I'm working on not getting fired. Socializing can wait until break time, if and when I get scheduled the same breaks as theirs.

Jared mentioned me not returning calls. He said that he called, Mike called too. Well let's see, my mother called me, my sister called as well letting me know that she was in the emergency room. Ron called and my daughter called as well. ALL OF THEM LEFT MESSAGES. None of them got through. Why? Because my phone is a piece of crap that's why. I haven't gotten ANY messages since wednesday morning. Actually tuesday according to my family who swore on the holiest of holies that they text messaged me, left me voicemails but I never got them. I missed a call from my kid's teacher (parent-teacher conference was yesterday and I missed it and she called me about it). Hence me getting a new phone this payday.

Now, I don't even want to list "other crap" that's going on with my life. I figured it's my life, my problem, my responsibility to get it together.

So you see, instead of just assuming things are one way when it's really not. I think it would be prudent to approach the person you're having issues with and talk it over just like what Jared did to me and I'm glad we did that. I'm glad he did that. And I love him for that.

I for one had no idea that Chrissy and Mike and Jared were feeling alienated. But jeez, come on! I've got more than a full plate. It's not always social time at work. If I'm not acting my "usual self" chances are, I've got a lot of things on my mind. I'm worn out and tired and none of it has anything to do with any one of my friends at work.

Now getting back to what Jared said when he mentioned that Chrissy quoted me and said that "fuck all my friends, etc. etc." When have I talk to Chrissy and told her that? I can probably count in one hand how many times I've talked to Chrissy this week. And not once did I ever told her that. Only thing I can think of is perhaps she read my journal entry in which the subject line was "Same train, different track".

I still meant what I said on there. If I want to go back to school, if I want to study the book of mormon, well what the hell? It's up to me right? I don't care what my other friends say about that. And note that I said other friends because contrary to what other people think, I do have friends outside work. Does that post pertain to them? Meaning Jared, Chrissy and Mike? HELL NO!

See here's the thing. If I let every single irate customer who yells at me on the phone get to me, than I'd probably be one pissed off person right now. If I let work get to me and dwell on thoughts like my supervisor seems to be picking on me or coming down too hard on me. I probably would've said some harsh words to my team leader and that wouldn't be good either.

It bothers me that now that I have a car, people here are trying to be "nice" to me so that they can get a ride. Jessica even said, "oh anna, you can drive me anywhere now, you're my new best friend." My kid's friends, who usually don't say much to me when I walk her to the bus stop are now trying to be chums with me and her so that they can get a ride to school.

I don't like that. Don't pretend to like me so that you can just use me. That's not right. And I won't let you get away with that either. Yeah, I'm nice. But don't mistake niceness with stupidity. The only reason why you think you're walking all over me is because I'm letting you get away with things.

It bothers me that my friends like Justin, Matt and even Taylor and Trish would give me shit because I'm actually trying my best to be a good example for my little girl. Because I'm actually taking an interest in spiritual growth. And because I'm making an effort to stay clear away from things like "partying" and all that. I'm a parent for god's sake! I should start acting like one for the sake of my kid. And is that a bad thing? Perhaps to them, it is. And I still don't care who's going out with who. I don't care that Matt's going out with Trish even though she has a boyfriend. I mean it's pretty much too childish for them to talk bad about other people. And how Justin would come hang out with us if Taylor's there because he thinks she's a skank and a lying bitch. Well, that's just one person's opinion. And again, that's pretty much kindergarten crap. You can't have that mindset thinking, oh...don't be friends with him because he's friends with her blah blah blah.

But what I don't understand, and I've talked this over with Jared, is that how can he and Mike and Chrissy think that I don't value their friendship? That boggles my mind. Because I have nothing bad to say about them. I never did. Even when Mike would tease and call Chrissy a bitch and say that she's the bitch of the group. I told Mike that she's not and say, "dont call her that". I still don't think that Chrissy's a bitch and how and why Mike would say that....well, I don't know. But that's Mike I guess.

Time and time again, I'd say to my family...mom, dad... my brothers and sister, how much Jared and Chrissy and Mike mean to me. And that they are the reason why I have committed myself to this job. They are the reason that work is worth coming back to each and every day because they are there.

For them to think that--for Jared to even accuse me of alienating them cuts real deep. And shit, this is starting to make me cry which I hate to no end. But what I can I do? Hm? I'm sorry but for once I'm thinkin of myself here and trying to do good at work so I don't get fired. And I'm trying to get my life in order here.

So my week's been hectic. I've been getting by with little or no sleep. Been getting up before the buttcrack of dawn and driving to the air force base, been driving my kid to school and I've been going to school as well which I regret doing now.

I haven't had time for them? So all of the sudden they think something's up. All of the sudden things are said, things are assumed. You know what? That really hurts. Because you know what? If instead of assuming things, they should just ask, perhaps things would be straightened out.

Did I know this was going on? Given everything else going on in my life, I cannot help but be oblivious to this. But okay... I guess....what can I do? No matter what you do, no matter what you say, is it going to change my current situation right now? No.

Does it bother me? Yeah.

But there are priorities. And excuse me for thinking of myself just this once but I don't want to get fired from work. So if I just come in and it's strictly business and no time for play. So be it.

Does that mean I don't plan on keeping their friendships? No...it just means that right now, Anna needs to take care of the important things to make sure her kid's life is good and right now, Anna needs to make drastic improvements on things. And if it means no play time for a bit. Then so be it.

But it doesn't mean that I'm not friends with Jared anymore or Chrissy or Mike. Friends understand that there are priorities that need to be met and things to get done. Friends don't condemn friends for trying to be better and for trying to do good.

I'm not saying that Jared and Chrissy and Mike are doing that. But for Justin, Taylor and the rest.... I guess the term "friend" wasn't put to good use there. Friends don't do that to each other. And what of true friends? They don't judge, they accept. That's what real friendship is.

So yeah, work will be just work for me. If people yell on the phone. Who cares, right? It comes with the job. If people want to be ignorant then that's their problem. As long as you did your part, treat them with common courtesy then I guess it's not you who's lacking but them.

Another night without sleep again... it bothers me to no end knowing that the people that are dear to me think that I've wronged them. I still can't forget that look on Jared's face. I told him that he looked like he was about to kick my ass. I cried on my way home and it got my family quite concerned. But as usual, when asked what's wrong, I shrugged and said, "nothing".

I say to myself that it'll get better. Perhaps in time it will but like all things, I have to work at it. So look.... it's 1:39am now. Didn't even think it'd take me this long to post all this but I guess I had a shitload of things to say. I have more but I guess... none of that matters now, right?

Damn. I still have dishes to do, I still have to vacuum and then there's my math homework that I swear, I can never seem to comprehend. In less than 2 hours I have to get up to drive to the base... *sigh*

Oh well. Draven asked me earlier, "when is it going to be time for Anna?" I had no answer for him. I was quiet, he knew though that I was crying. All I could manage as a reply was, "not in a long while, sweetie." Then I told him goodnight and got off the phone.

He should know. He's a parent too. You have a kid and it's not about you anymore. But that's just me I guess. I could be wrong. I've been known to not get things right.

Such is life.

Dasvidanya.
~anna

just stuff...

2004-02-05T07:13:25Z

11:44pm. Just got home not too long ago. Work was alright, nothing exciting there except when the night-time crew showed up. They were funny, so I had fun during the last hour and a half of my shift. There's Chris and Jamie and Crystal. They're hella funny to talk to.

The day was sort of relaxed, me and Chassidy had a fun time babbling on and on about things. Wendy was there too and she's always a hoot to talk to. I spent my lunch in the car studying and reading things and listening to music. That was nice. It was nice and warm in my car. I didn't want to be in the break room at work anyway since it was packed with these people in training and what not. It was too noisy, too hot and just plain "busy" and I didn't care much for that.

After work, I had to go to Wal-Mart to buy a few things that we needed here at home. I was also looking at cellphone prices over there. I don't think I like that pay as you go thingiemajig. I looked at that free-up and it sounded like too much of a hassle. Phone cards and what not. Whatever.

Anyway, yeah, I picked up some stuff for the household and that was about it. I don't really like lurking around that store, especially when I'm this tired and my back's killing me like mad crazy.

So yeah, school, work, then wal-mart...

Then after that, I went and had a late night dinner with a friend. I was on my way out of the store to finally go home when I practically bumped into him. He was pleased to see me and asked me to meet him at this place nearby that's open late. I did and he and I had a nice relaxing time just talking about things, talking about school and his friends and family. The food was okay, service however wreaked of major suckiness.

I had to cut the visit with him real short because I have to get up early and of course there's school to tend to as well. He offered to pay for my dinner but I declined. I paid for my own meal and he paid for his then we parted ways. He gave me his phone number and said, "call me sometime, we should hang out some more".

I think I just might do that this weekend or something. I couldn't give him my cellphone number because, well... in two days, I won't have the phone anymore. So it's pointless to give him my number.

I'm online talking to Anton. He seemed pretty distraught. Steven's online too but I didn't really say much to him. Chrissy from work was online too--well at least her screen name was showing up on my buddylist. But when I IMed her I got a reply saying "not chrissy" then the screen name logged off. *shrug* oh well... no biggie. I've IMed her dad before and he told me that she was in the shower or something like that. I forget now.

Sheesh! I log on and immediately I'm bombarded with IMs from all these people. And each and every one of them have really nothing to say. It's all the same thing...

Them --Hi. what's up?
Me ....hi, nothing much

Them --what are you doing?
Me ...oh nothing really checking emails, you?

Them --nothing just hanging out
Me ....oh okay.

And that's pretty much it for every single one of them. Well that's all there is for me to say right now. I'm going to bed since I've been nursing a bad back and a migraine all day.

Hmm...there was something else I wanted to post but I can't seem to remember it right now. Oh well... it's probably not that important.

Setting the alarm now. Damnitalltohell! The siren call of the television beckons me. It screams Family Guy, Futurama and Inuyasha.

Bah! Who needs sleep anyway, right? Okay maybe just a little bit of tv until Inuyasha's over.

tootles.

another dinky test...

2004-02-04T18:56:55Z

I was curious enough to take this test. And well, this is what I got, even though I don't understand what it means...

**note**
I guess it means that:

- I'm not really an outgoing person, I keep to myself most of the time. (extroversion at 50%).
-I'm somewhat friendly but cautious when it comes to picking out my friends. (friendlinest at 59%)
-I'm chaotic and that there's a method to my madness and a madness to my methods. (orderliness at 59%)
-I'm emotionally unstable. And I'd to keep it that way if I can help it. It keeps people out there guessing. (emotional stability at 48%)
-I'm willing to give people the benefit of doubt and just because you're getting away with anything, it doesn't mean that you're walking all over me. It simply means that I'm letting you and allowing you to do that. (openmindedness at 73%).

That is all.

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Gregariousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Competence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	59%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Anger	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	48%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	82%
Emotionality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	73%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test

Yoinked from someone else.

2004-02-03T16:49:24Z

Well whoopty-doo, here's another online test. I figured, why not, eh, I might as well take it since I like "Family Guy".

And why am I not surprised with the answer?
Hmph!

Which Family Guy character are you?

Same train, different track...

2004-01-30T08:52:03Z

You know, it's true when they say "whether you think you can or you think you can't, either way, you're right."

I think if you let words and other people get you down, then most likely you will be down. Changing your life depends a lot on how you perceive things and how you take on things. At least, after all these years, that is what I've finally learned.

It's so easy to be ignorant towards someone, it's so easy to come out and put down people just because you can. But you know what? What would doing that accomplish? It just shows how much of an ass you can be. That's all.

For me, I would much rather hold my tongue and let it go and let other people think of me a fool, than to lash out and do something equally ignorant and mean and remove all doubts.

I'm still the same old me. Just that I realize "living" is 95% attitude and 5% effort. I guess it's up to me if I'd allow certain crap like people's dramas and other junk like that get me down. I've got other things to worry about, other things to give my full attention to.

If I let every single customer on the phone get to me, if I let every single bitch and asshole bother me, than what does that make me?

Amazing when I realized that actually don't give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about anyone in this shithole of a planet save a select few and for my family, I started to feel a little better.

Had this been me a few years back, I would dwell on this for hours--days even. But now, I'm just baffled at how quickly I shrug things off. My attitude? *shrug* Oh well, that's them.

I'm not about to get suckered into some kindergarten shit as to who's who and who did what and who's friends with who, who's going out with who and when and how and why. Goddamnit, that's so fucking childish, if you ask me.

I've got enough worries here at home. I've got enough problems swimming around inside my head to pay anyone else any mind. Draven once said, "hey anna, if they can't accept you for who you are then chances are, they're not worth your time." I agree. I mean, who the fuck said that you have to be a certain way, in order to be acceptable? Just because I like certain things, doesn't mean everyone else HAS TO like the same thing. They also shouldn't PRETEND to like something or be someone they're not. If you can't be yourself then what's the point? I'm all for individuality. If you don't like me for who I am, what I am and why I do the things I do, say the things I say, then you know what? Fuck you! Fuck all of you.

My only mistake in all this is thinking that I actually gave it more thought than it really deserved, more notice than they really should've been given. When all is said and done, they don't have a say in my life and shouldn't really have an effect on me. Only reason why they did a long time ago was because I let them get to me.

Wow, amazing how things quickly change when you take on a new kind of attitude. Having said that, I think I'll take on work and people in a whole different way now. And life? Well, it's still the same. I still only HAVE TO do two things--live and die. The rest of things in between is pretty much details--just the icing on the cake, just the little things to pass the time between life and death.

Okay, I'm done now.

Dasvidanya.
~anna

Just my thought of the day...

2004-01-27T18:14:46Z

A dear lady friend of mine, from one of the yahoo groups that we both belong to, posted something just recently. She quoted Robert Heinlein (one of my favourites) and, well...what she posted really got me thinking. This is what she posted:

"I've found out why people laugh.
They laugh because it hurts so much
. . . because it's the only thing
that'll make it stop hurting."
Robert A. Heinlein
-STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND

My thoughts about this?

Why are we so afraid to enjoy life? Why are we so afraid? So jaded and yet so calloused? True self is hidden and we hide because we are afraid. Afraid to love, afraid of rejection, afraid of confrontation, afraid of giving too little, afraid of giving too much, revealing too much... and losing so much.

One of the greatest deterrents to love is FEAR. At times it makes cowards of us all. It causes us to take the safe path, to slink from commitment, to hide from ourselves and others. There, in our haven of safety, we isoloate ourselves from the very things that give life joy and meaning.

Confronting our fears does not mean retreating from involvement any more than it means developing a tough exterior to be impervious to pain. Allowing fear to determine the course of our lives is to listen to only one of our inner voices. Other voices also deserve to be heard. One of them is screaming out that the worst fear we face is a life deprived of love. Where love exists strongly enough, apprehension, disappointment, and fear are reduced to nothing.

People fear being in love. People fear loving someone else even though the fact that being in love, being loved and being capable of love is a good thing.

I think we just have to keep in mind a few things.

Love is great.
But love is also pain.

It is often difficult to imagine that there is anything good about pain. The moment we feel it, we look for immediate relief. We take drugs, drown ourselves in alcohol, overeat, oversleep, supress it, deny it--anything to keep from feeling discomfort.

To enter a relationship is to court pain. And I know this all too well. This is all the more true when we approach others with preconceptions and expectations. Most want a lover to be our best friend, our closest confidant, our major source of happiness, an entertainer, someone who is forever understanding and forgiving. We want them to be loyal, exciting and sexy. Unfortunately, people answering those descriptions are usually found only in romance novels or television soap operas or thought to be sent down from heaven. They are certainly rare on this earth. Accepting this, I guess, we know we are bound to experience pain that comes from these unfulfilled expectations.

But as we often don't know, pain is a great teacher. And we will always and forever will be its pupil. Just as physical pain can mobilize our defenses and alert us to deeper problems, so can emotional pain. It has the function of awakening us to the realization that there is something wrong in our lives, something that needs attention. If we ignore inner pain, it will surely grow out of control.

I guess, when we are accepting of our pain, sorrow and disappointments as we are of joys, we might be--would be or will be on our way to becoming "real lovers".

Just my thought for the day.
~anna

#6 - Hey there sunshine

2004-01-26T16:02:50Z

Anticipating
the next time
I get to brush my fingertips
against your skin
enjoy the moment
close my eyes
and breath you in

Perhaps next time
when our eyes meet
I'll follow it up
with a smile
and blow you a kiss
who knows what will happen next
perhaps a better understanding
and new found bliss

It's cold outside
but your smile melts everything away
and though my heart
has had its share of icy winters
you'll always be my sunny day

~anna

The workings of this ole brain of mine...

2004-01-26T13:00:10Z

So hm, I took this test:
http://mindmedia.com/brainworks/profiler

I saw the link posted on one of my lj-friend's journal.
So, naturally, curiousity got the best of me. (again)
Well...of course I took it. (I'm a sucker, yet again)

This is what I got:

Your Brain Usage Profile
Auditory : 50%
Visual : 50%
Left : 56%
Right : 43%

Anna, you are somewhat left-hemisphere dominant with a balanced preference for auditory and visual inputs. Because of your "centrist" tendencies, the distinctions between various types of brain usage are somewhat blurred.

Your tendency to be organized and logical and attend to details is reasonably well-established which should afford you success regardless of your chosen field of endeavor, unless it requires total spontaneity and ability to improvise, your weaker traits. However, you are far from rigid or overcontrolled. You possess a degree of individuality, perceptiveness, and trust in your intuition to function at much more sophisticated levels than most.

Having given sufficient attention to detail, you can readily perceive the larger aspects and implications of a situation or of learning. You are functional and practical, but can blend abstraction and theory into your framework readily.

The equivalence of your auditory and visual learning orientation gives you two equally effective sensory input systems, each with distinctive features. You can process both unidimensionally and multidimen- sionally with equal facility. When needed, you sequence material while at other times you "intake it all" and store it for processing later.

Your natural ability to use your senses is also synthesized in your way of learning. You can be reflective in your approach, absorbing material in a non-aggressive manner, and at other times voracious in seeking out stimulation and experience.

Overall you tend to be somewhat more critical of yourself than is necessary and avoid enjoying life too much because of a sense of duty. You feel somewhat constrained and tend to sometimes restrict your expressiveness. In any given situation, you will opt for the rational, and learning of almost any type should be easy for you. You might need certain ideas explained to you in order to fit them into your scheme of things, but you're at least open to that!

Hm, I guess I'll just make this a public post. In the meantime, I'm going to just take away the comment feature. No comments please.

Now I wonder why am I up so early? I think I'll go back to bed now...

dasvadinya

#4 - Darling Dearest

2004-01-21T19:00:17Z

Darling dearest
I'll never forget the day I met you
but give me time and I'm sure I will
I'm having fun right now enjoying life
and taking my fill

You didn't have to do much
to be obscene
your breath did a great job
if you know what I mean

I can recall the times
when you said you didn't mean a thing

You said you were nothing
a nobody
just to name a few

But darling dearest,
if they can make penicillin out of mold
I'm sure there still is hope left for you

So darling dearest
won't you do us all a favor
go lock yourself up in the refrigerator

Be among your kind
like things that should've been tossed away
You know...like things that are ripe with decay
Or things that are forgotten and cold
And things that are covered with hairy black and green mold

Goodbye to you my darling dearest
Of all the people I've ever met
you are the queerest.

~anna

#3 - Imperfect

2004-01-20T15:22:33Z

Just twist that knife around
in my back some more
why don'tcha

Does it make you feel good to be that way?

Icy stares and glares from you
and words drippin' with disdain

I did not ask for this

Why must you continue to exist?
Why must you continue to persist?

Maybe in a perfect world
you would be King
and I would bow to your every whim

But we're not so perfect, you and I
and this world's more fucked up than it's ever been

So take that knife right out of my back
and don't come around here no more

I'm doing fine without you now
And I'm much better than I've ever been before

~anna
*written on 01-20-2004

#2 -You Won't Go

2004-01-20T15:21:27Z

Speak softly
because I probably wouldn't listen
if you yell

Searching for myself
in the Shadows of the four corners of my room
I come up empty...

Just as I thought

You've left your mark,
scarred into memory
just like the scratches you've left down my back

Who would've thought
that it'd be you--
or perhaps, someone just like you
who'd leave me feeling this way
but still wanting more

This bitter pill you've made me swallow
along with my pride
left me empty and hollow
deep inside

So deep inside

I could move and get out of here
but I won't

No, I won't

I've come to like it here where you left me
Wondering what the hell I'm doing here
and why am I still here

Screw you
was all I could say
Though I probably should've thank you
for turning away

This is me now
bitter, jaded,
calloused and confused

Alone and tired,
troubled and abused

But I've grown quite ignorant
to your issues
as you can plainly see
and as much as I'd like to say,
"Just go to Hell!"
I'd rather you just leave me be

Yeah, go away
and just leave me be.

~anna
*written on 01-19-2004

#1 - The Blue Room

2004-01-20T15:20:05Z

Once again we part ways
once again you whisper your goodbyes
And once again I lose myself
while gazing into your deep cobalt blue eyes

Tracing your jawline with my fingertips
I wondered what it would be like
to plant a kiss upon your lips

Your breath
it draws me near
and I'm riddled with emotions--
lust and fear

I often dreamed about the time you took me to your home
or the time we spent talking for hours on the phone

I wish I could've been braver
I wish I could've planned things out
But somewhere, somewhere
we know things wouldn't work out
we just knew it wouldn't work out

And I wish I could've held you
on those long cold winter nights
I wish I could've told you
yes, I wish I could've told you...

So here we are again, my friend
It's good to see you
Yes I've wondered where you've been

But my thoughts take me back to that blue room
Where you comforted me,
you comforted me
yeah you did
and you did
oh how you did
you comforted me
you did

And my thoughts take me back to the blue room
where you once held me tight
I should've stayed
instead I left you there
and said goodnight

Just once I want to be back in that blue room
And stare deep into your cobalt blue eyes
lay my head upon your shoulder
And tell you how much I love you--
more than you realize

yes, it's more than you realize

~anna
*written on 01-18-2004

no_such_user @ 2003-12-08T02:46:00

2003-12-08T09:51:27Z

alright, I'm done with this livejournal modification crap.

at least I finally got around to updating this journal and changing the over all look and feel of it. it's all matrix-y like. it goes well with my newly created default icon.

I'm content for now although I miss Chrissy, Mike and Jared... I miss work. Whoa, work? How odd is that?

I'm outta here.
Tootles.