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Into the Shadows.   
Saturday, February 14th, 2004 @ 1:10am
  Where do you go when you're gone?
Does the wind whisper your name just to taunt me
or does it do that to remind me that you're never
too far away.

Where do you go when you're not by my side?
Does the warmth of the sun steal radiance from your being
or does my mind play tricks on me
on this cold winter night?

Lull me to sleep with your soft soothing voice
let memories of you turn into the dreams
that comfort me each night

Into the Shadows I go
cloaked in darkness
until the light that is you
comes back to visit me
once again

Into the Shadows I go
cold...
dark...
watching...
watching...

watching you steal the brilliance of the sun.
~anna


[This is just something I wrote because my mind wouldn't let me rest if I didn't find a way to vent this out.]		  
     
 
Things that make you go hmmm....   
Friday, February 6th, 2004 @ 1:45am
  Hi Lj, it's 11:55pm here and I just got back from Jared's apartment. I feel like I just had one of those intervention thingies done on me. It's good though. Jared's a really nice guy and I adore him and just like the rest of my friends at work, I love him.

Here's my take on things...

Today was awful for me. It took ev-er-y ounce of strength to keep alert. I've taken an imitrex pill earlier during class to get rid of my migraine. Around 2pm-ish, at work, I still had said migraine and it's like it intensified as the day progressed. But I tried to toughen up and concentrate on improving my efficiency and schedule adherence scores. But other than that, today was just like any ordinary day at work. Except to others, it was not. And I have Jared to thank for bringing things to my attention. I always like that about him, I can always tell him anything and he can always call me on things or just bluntly tell me how things are. And I know we've discussed things before and that means a lot to me. Instead of jumping to conclusions and assuming things, we talk it out and talk it over. I like that.

Today at work, I had an extra hamburger from A&W. On my way home from school, I stopped by KFC to grab me something to eat and I got myself one of those deals where you get two burgers for $2.00. I thought of Jared and thought, he'd want one. So today at work, I gave him my other burger, thinking nothing of it, thinking nothing about anything else but work and school work and things that I have to do when return home.

Before I left, I asked Jared if I could drop by his place to grab the movies I let them borrow. I haven't seen them yet and I was planning on watching 'em on my day off. I asked him if someone was going to be home by the time I got there and if I remember correctly he said that Josh would be there.

So I left work a half hour early. I didn't take a lunch today and my supervisor gave me the okay to leave early. No biggie. Didn't think anything wrong with today other than me feeling extremely tired and the migraine from hell seem to just taunt me and wouldn't leave me be.

I got home and the first thing I tackled was cleaning up the living room. Then my daughter said that she needed index cards for her report and pencils as well. So we made plans to go to the store to buy those but well...she was picking on her loose tooth and lo and behold, she plucked it out. Blood and all that icky stuff needed tending to. So looked like the tooth fairy owes her moolah, no? We took care of that then we went to Smiths. While sitting in the car in the driveway, I called Josh and said something like, "Hey Josh, this is Anna, I talked to Jared earlier and asked him if I can drop by to pick up my movies and what not. Hopefully you guys are there when I get there or awake or something."......something like that. Again, not thinking that anything was out of the norm, I drove to Smiths to buy the supplies my kid needed for her report. As we were about to leave, my kid spotted Jared and Josh who just walked passed us. And so I said loud enough for them to hear, sort of teasing them, "Yeah, that's Jared alright honey." He turns around and I'm standing there in the frozen food section with my kid grinning at them.

I mentioned that I was on my way to his apartment to pick up the movies but first I needed to tend to my kid first. So I walked with him for a bit, me and my kid walked with Jared up and down the aisles while Josh was some where else doing something else. I told Jared that I guess I'll wait or meet him at his apartment. So we paid for our things and then we waited in the parking lot for them. (didn't really wait long though)

So okay, me and my little girl went to Jared's apartment. We followed them out of the parking lot. Jake let us in. And we gathered our belongings...the movies and my daughter's playstation games. Jared and Josh showed up a few minutes later and teased me about taking their parking spot. Ooopsies! They teased me but then they said it was okay. I left and once again no biggie. Didn't think anything was wrong. But see, before I left, Jared said, "I guess I'll see you at work or something." Not really thinking about my reply to him, I said, "well I doubt that, I'll pretty much be sitting by myself from now on, but yeah okay." I left and that was that.

So I thought....

Half-way home, I was on the phone with Ron and the call-waiting thingie beeped. It was Josh saying something about I took one of his games. I guess I accidentally took a couple of his games. So, I told him that I'd be right over. And that I'm turning around that instant. Only my daughter was tired and I know she's been sick (in fact she still is under-the-weather) so I opted to drop her off made sure she was in bed and then drove back to Jared's apartment. And that's when things got really odd....

I knocked, not thinking much about anything, thinking that things were okay but then after handing the games back to Josh, who answered the door, Jared got off the phone and started to confront me about something I had said earlier.

It turns out without thinking much about it, I had come off as rude to Jared. I guess it hurt him or something so he confronted me about it. Then he brought up Chrissy and Mike as well. And I'm standing there thinking I've just been ambushed or something because all of the sudden these things were being brought to my attention and things, nasty things were being said. I stood there almost dumbfounded and shocked. I think all I could mutter to say initially was, "you know what, this is the sort of thing I've been trying to stay away from all week." I thought, oh no, them too? What's going on here?

So this is what it came down to...

Apparently my last comment to Jared before I left his place came off as rude. But I talked to Jared and I said, "have I ever been purposely rude to you or mistreated you in any way? have I ever been known to say or do not nice things to anyone in our circle of friends?" The answer was "No." And they (Josh and Jared) said that they thought so and that they just feel like some thing's not right.

Well hmm.... let's see if we can try to see things from my perspective....

--I haven't been sleeping well or sleeping at all this whole week.
--I've started school just yesterday.
--I get up early to drop Ron off at the base, go back home, try to sleep, get up, take my kid to school, try to go back to sleep, fail miserably, then go to school, after school, go to work.
--I had to take care of my bench warrant
--I had to fix my car because the power steering belt broke off
--beginning of the month, meaning if I don't work on my efficiency, my quality, my attendance and my adherence, I'm fired. No ifs, ands or buts. No exceptions.
--not to mention that I also have my chores here at home that need tending to
--schoolwork that needs tending to as well
--and most importantly, I have a little girl who needs time with her mommie

...and the list just goes on and on.

So what I explained to Jared is that I don't have time to scout out the place for the perfect spot with mute buttons and with 3 extra empty spots so that we can all sit together.

I also told Jared that the minute I show up at work I find the closest spot with a mute button, clock in and get on the phones. Now, I'm not picky as to where I sit. As long as the phone's working, there's a mute button, I'm good to go. Chrissy and Mike however don't like sitting in certain sections and Mike reiterated that several times to me before.

And me moving to sit next to them? I can't. Working on efficiency, I only have time to go potty on my 10 minute break, eat as fast as I can and then clock back in before 10 minutes are up. I don't have time to close out all the programs, then log on to another computer during my break just so I can sit with them.

And lunch time? It's been so busy in the break room these past few days that I just retreat to my car where it's nice and quiet, warm and less distractions where I can just sit there and study and perhaps listen to music if I want to.

I explained all this to Jared. He said that Chrissy had mentioned and even "quoted" me about saying that I don't care about my friends and they can all go to hell and what not.

When did I say this to Chrissy?? The last thing I remember saying to her was when I had to leave early that one day and said, "could you please, when you get the chance and when Mike gets off the phone, please tell him to call me about the couch coz I tried to make it fit in my car and it didn't work."

So I asked Jared again, "When have you ever known me to mistreat ANY one of you? I've always been nice to you guys because frankly if it weren't for you guys, I'd quit this job. This job would mean nothing to me and I'd move on." He thought about it and realized that I was right and that I did have a point.

I told him that if I was upset at ANY one of them, then why on earth would I even ask Mike about the couch, or offer Chrissy some of my Orange Chicken because I know she likes that stuff. Why would I even tell them about the nazi-guard who deactivated my card the other day? Why would I even give Jared my extra burger?

So I haven't been sitting next to them. That's not the end of the world. I've other things to tend to and as harsh as it may sound, I'm working on not getting fired. Socializing can wait until break time, if and when I get scheduled the same breaks as theirs.

Jared mentioned me not returning calls. He said that he called, Mike called too. Well let's see, my mother called me, my sister called as well letting me know that she was in the emergency room. Ron called and my daughter called as well. ALL OF THEM LEFT MESSAGES. None of them got through. Why? Because my phone is a piece of crap that's why. I haven't gotten ANY messages since wednesday morning. Actually tuesday according to my family who swore on the holiest of holies that they text messaged me, left me voicemails but I never got them. I missed a call from my kid's teacher (parent-teacher conference was yesterday and I missed it and she called me about it). Hence me getting a new phone this payday.

Now, I don't even want to list "other crap" that's going on with my life. I figured it's my life, my problem, my responsibility to get it together.

So you see, instead of just assuming things are one way when it's really not. I think it would be prudent to approach the person you're having issues with and talk it over just like what Jared did to me and I'm glad we did that. I'm glad he did that. And I love him for that.

I for one had no idea that Chrissy and Mike and Jared were feeling alienated. But jeez, come on! I've got more than a full plate. It's not always social time at work. If I'm not acting my "usual self" chances are, I've got a lot of things on my mind. I'm worn out and tired and none of it has anything to do with any one of my friends at work.

Now getting back to what Jared said when he mentioned that Chrissy quoted me and said that "fuck all my friends, etc. etc." When have I talk to Chrissy and told her that? I can probably count in one hand how many times I've talked to Chrissy this week. And not once did I ever told her that. Only thing I can think of is perhaps she read my journal entry in which the subject line was "Same train, different track".

I still meant what I said on there. If I want to go back to school, if I want to study the book of mormon, well what the hell? It's up to me right? I don't care what my other friends say about that. And note that I said other friends because contrary to what other people think, I do have friends outside work. Does that post pertain to them? Meaning Jared, Chrissy and Mike? HELL NO!

See here's the thing. If I let every single irate customer who yells at me on the phone get to me, than I'd probably be one pissed off person right now. If I let work get to me and dwell on thoughts like my supervisor seems to be picking on me or coming down too hard on me. I probably would've said some harsh words to my team leader and that wouldn't be good either.

It bothers me that now that I have a car, people here are trying to be "nice" to me so that they can get a ride. Jessica even said, "oh anna, you can drive me anywhere now, you're my new best friend." My kid's friends, who usually don't say much to me when I walk her to the bus stop are now trying to be chums with me and her so that they can get a ride to school.

I don't like that. Don't pretend to like me so that you can just use me. That's not right. And I won't let you get away with that either. Yeah, I'm nice. But don't mistake niceness with stupidity. The only reason why you think you're walking all over me is because I'm letting you get away with things.

It bothers me that my friends like Justin, Matt and even Taylor and Trish would give me shit because I'm actually trying my best to be a good example for my little girl. Because I'm actually taking an interest in spiritual growth. And because I'm making an effort to stay clear away from things like "partying" and all that. I'm a parent for god's sake! I should start acting like one for the sake of my kid. And is that a bad thing? Perhaps to them, it is. And I still don't care who's going out with who. I don't care that Matt's going out with Trish even though she has a boyfriend. I mean it's pretty much too childish for them to talk bad about other people. And how Justin would come hang out with us if Taylor's there because he thinks she's a skank and a lying bitch. Well, that's just one person's opinion. And again, that's pretty much kindergarten crap. You can't have that mindset thinking, oh...don't be friends with him because he's friends with her blah blah blah.

But what I don't understand, and I've talked this over with Jared, is that how can he and Mike and Chrissy think that I don't value their friendship? That boggles my mind. Because I have nothing bad to say about them. I never did. Even when Mike would tease and call Chrissy a bitch and say that she's the bitch of the group. I told Mike that she's not and say, "dont call her that". I still don't think that Chrissy's a bitch and how and why Mike would say that....well, I don't know. But that's Mike I guess.

Time and time again, I'd say to my family...mom, dad... my brothers and sister, how much Jared and Chrissy and Mike mean to me. And that they are the reason why I have committed myself to this job. They are the reason that work is worth coming back to each and every day because they are there.

For them to think that--for Jared to even accuse me of alienating them cuts real deep. And shit, this is starting to make me cry which I hate to no end. But what I can I do? Hm? I'm sorry but for once I'm thinkin of myself here and trying to do good at work so I don't get fired. And I'm trying to get my life in order here.

So my week's been hectic. I've been getting by with little or no sleep. Been getting up before the buttcrack of dawn and driving to the air force base, been driving my kid to school and I've been going to school as well which I regret doing now.

I haven't had time for them? So all of the sudden they think something's up. All of the sudden things are said, things are assumed. You know what? That really hurts. Because you know what? If instead of assuming things, they should just ask, perhaps things would be straightened out.

Did I know this was going on? Given everything else going on in my life, I cannot help but be oblivious to this. But okay... I guess....what can I do? No matter what you do, no matter what you say, is it going to change my current situation right now? No.

Does it bother me? Yeah.

But there are priorities. And excuse me for thinking of myself just this once but I don't want to get fired from work. So if I just come in and it's strictly business and no time for play. So be it.

Does that mean I don't plan on keeping their friendships? No...it just means that right now, Anna needs to take care of the important things to make sure her kid's life is good and right now, Anna needs to make drastic improvements on things. And if it means no play time for a bit. Then so be it.

But it doesn't mean that I'm not friends with Jared anymore or Chrissy or Mike. Friends understand that there are priorities that need to be met and things to get done. Friends don't condemn friends for trying to be better and for trying to do good.

I'm not saying that Jared and Chrissy and Mike are doing that. But for Justin, Taylor and the rest.... I guess the term "friend" wasn't put to good use there. Friends don't do that to each other. And what of true friends? They don't judge, they accept. That's what real friendship is.

So yeah, work will be just work for me. If people yell on the phone. Who cares, right? It comes with the job. If people want to be ignorant then that's their problem. As long as you did your part, treat them with common courtesy then I guess it's not you who's lacking but them.

Another night without sleep again... it bothers me to no end knowing that the people that are dear to me think that I've wronged them. I still can't forget that look on Jared's face. I told him that he looked like he was about to kick my ass. I cried on my way home and it got my family quite concerned. But as usual, when asked what's wrong, I shrugged and said, "nothing".

I say to myself that it'll get better. Perhaps in time it will but like all things, I have to work at it. So look.... it's 1:39am now. Didn't even think it'd take me this long to post all this but I guess I had a shitload of things to say. I have more but I guess... none of that matters now, right?

Damn. I still have dishes to do, I still have to vacuum and then there's my math homework that I swear, I can never seem to comprehend. In less than 2 hours I have to get up to drive to the base... *sigh*

Oh well. Draven asked me earlier, "when is it going to be time for Anna?" I had no answer for him. I was quiet, he knew though that I was crying. All I could manage as a reply was, "not in a long while, sweetie." Then I told him goodnight and got off the phone.

He should know. He's a parent too. You have a kid and it's not about you anymore. But that's just me I guess. I could be wrong. I've been known to not get things right.

Such is life.

Dasvidanya.
~anna		  
     
 
just stuff...   
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004 @ 11:44pm
  11:44pm. Just got home not too long ago. Work was alright, nothing exciting there except when the night-time crew showed up. They were funny, so I had fun during the last hour and a half of my shift. There's Chris and Jamie and Crystal. They're hella funny to talk to.

The day was sort of relaxed, me and Chassidy had a fun time babbling on and on about things. Wendy was there too and she's always a hoot to talk to. I spent my lunch in the car studying and reading things and listening to music. That was nice. It was nice and warm in my car. I didn't want to be in the break room at work anyway since it was packed with these people in training and what not. It was too noisy, too hot and just plain "busy" and I didn't care much for that.

After work, I had to go to Wal-Mart to buy a few things that we needed here at home. I was also looking at cellphone prices over there. I don't think I like that pay as you go thingiemajig. I looked at that free-up and it sounded like too much of a hassle. Phone cards and what not. Whatever.

Anyway, yeah, I picked up some stuff for the household and that was about it. I don't really like lurking around that store, especially when I'm this tired and my back's killing me like mad crazy.

So yeah, school, work, then wal-mart...

Then after that, I went and had a late night dinner with a friend. I was on my way out of the store to finally go home when I practically bumped into him. He was pleased to see me and asked me to meet him at this place nearby that's open late. I did and he and I had a nice relaxing time just talking about things, talking about school and his friends and family. The food was okay, service however wreaked of major suckiness.

I had to cut the visit with him real short because I have to get up early and of course there's school to tend to as well. He offered to pay for my dinner but I declined. I paid for my own meal and he paid for his then we parted ways. He gave me his phone number and said, "call me sometime, we should hang out some more".

I think I just might do that this weekend or something. I couldn't give him my cellphone number because, well... in two days, I won't have the phone anymore. So it's pointless to give him my number.

I'm online talking to Anton. He seemed pretty distraught. Steven's online too but I didn't really say much to him. Chrissy from work was online too--well at least her screen name was showing up on my buddylist. But when I IMed her I got a reply saying "not chrissy" then the screen name logged off. *shrug* oh well... no biggie. I've IMed her dad before and he told me that she was in the shower or something like that. I forget now.

Sheesh! I log on and immediately I'm bombarded with IMs from all these people. And each and every one of them have really nothing to say. It's all the same thing...

Them --Hi. what's up?
Me ....hi, nothing much

Them --what are you doing?
Me ...oh nothing really checking emails, you?

Them --nothing just hanging out
Me ....oh okay.

And that's pretty much it for every single one of them. Well that's all there is for me to say right now. I'm going to bed since I've been nursing a bad back and a migraine all day.

Hmm...there was something else I wanted to post but I can't seem to remember it right now. Oh well... it's probably not that important.

Setting the alarm now. Damnitalltohell! The siren call of the television beckons me. It screams Family Guy, Futurama and Inuyasha.

Bah! Who needs sleep anyway, right? Okay maybe just a little bit of tv until Inuyasha's over.

tootles.		  
     
 
another dinky test...   
Wednesday, February 4th, 2004 @ 11:58am
  I was curious enough to take this test. And well, this is what I got, even though I don't understand what it means...

**note**
I guess it means that:

- I'm not really an outgoing person, I keep to myself most of the time. (extroversion at 50%).
-I'm somewhat friendly but cautious when it comes to picking out my friends. (friendlinest at 59%)
-I'm chaotic and that there's a method to my madness and a madness to my methods. (orderliness at 59%)
-I'm emotionally unstable. And I'd to keep it that way if I can help it. It keeps people out there guessing. (emotional stability at 48%)
-I'm willing to give people the benefit of doubt and just because you're getting away with anything, it doesn't mean that you're walking all over me. It simply means that I'm letting you and allowing you to do that. (openmindedness at 73%).

That is all.

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
Sociability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Gregariousness ||||||||| 30%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Activity Level ||||||||||||||| 50%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50%
Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Extroversion ||||||||||||||| 50%
Trust ||||||||||||||| 46%
Morality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50%
Sympathy |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Friendliness |||||||||||||||||| 59%
Competence ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Neatness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Achievement ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Cautiousness ||||||||||||||| 46%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 59%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Anger ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 42%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||| 50%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50%
Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 48%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Emotionality |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 46%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 73%
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
  
     
 
Yoinked from someone else.   
Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004 @ 9:50am
  Well whoopty-doo, here's another online test. I figured, why not, eh, I might as well take it since I like "Family Guy".

And why am I not surprised with the answer?
Hmph!


Which Family Guy character are you?		  
     
 
 
no_such_user
 
 
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